Starting ‘Yej and the City’
I’ve had this romantic image about writing in my head — Carry Bradshaw typing her thoughts out in Microsoft Words in her fashionable and cozy New York City apartment.
In the year of 2020 gave me a lot of time to have 1:1 conversation with myself. And I thought why not give it a go to write it down on a digital paper.
But,
- I never liked writing.
2. I don’t like the sentences that I generate.
3. I don’t think I am good at writing.
4. I think the output of my writing looks like a big block of jibber jabber which often is unclear of what I meant. (And 💩-ton of grammar errors)
5. I hate editing. I have to look back at what I wrote and feel ashamed of what a failure I am? Hard pass.
About being unclear in my writing, I will admit that one of my biggest fears is putting someone in a situation where they suffer to understand what the hell I am talking about. Why is that such a big deal for me…?
Why? In my mind, not being able to communicate concisely is a sign of lacking intelligence. And I need to be seen as a brilliant person.
Why? I want to be seen to be well spoken so I can prove my worth* to white Americans who continuously under-value me.
Why? I fit in the category of Asian woman, which everyone looks down on.*
Why? I never again want to hear a skinny blonde bitch telling me, “Why are you quiet? Why aren’t you adding into the conversation? Don’t you have any opinion?”
Why? I want people to recognize my intelligence and respect me for it.
(* To be fair, I still had needs to prove myself when I grew up in Korea, so it’s not completely new thing since I moved to the U.S. I always felt that it was MY responsibility to prove my worth and be valued by others. However, being an immigrant in the U.S. made it a much harder situation.)
I wonder if I have imposter syndrome… and probably not. If someone does believe in their worth but struggles to prove that to others, does it still count as imposter syndrome?
Anyway.. back to the romance of writing, did I feel like being Carry B with her internal monologue? Maybe🙃 Seeing letters filling up my screen has been fun so far, but the topic may not be as sexy and interesting as what she was writing.
Hold on, I take it back.
What’s sexier than a smart hot Asian woman being introspective in her Brooklyn apartment. I am starting a blog, it’s a thing now.
🥂
